A Peep at the Monster

I always have problem with my anger. It always seeps up onto me undetected, took control over me and turns me into a monster. It’s just uncontrollable. So many times, I tell myself not to say those harsh words, throw things around… my god! I’m acting like a complete freaking spoiled child! Totally disgusting, totally uncontrollable. It is so unlike me at times of serene.

I am determined to wipe out this monster in me. I hated it when it took control of me. I even hated myself at times of anger. Overtime however, I discovered that the more I hated it, the more uncontrollable it becomes. Anger can never be able to dissolve anger. I have since learn to accept myself, accept my monster and learn how to deal with him with more understanding.

For the past few times, I took the courage to come face to face with my monster and I ask him who he is. What is anger? Where do you come from? I realized that I have never really known him because I have been rejecting him all along. Whenever he is there, I try to run away from myself, hated myself and refused to look at him. I’m nervous to come face to face with him after such a long time.

But as I begin to see him, I begin to understand him bit by bit. The more I think about a certain event that I dislike, the more powerful he grows. Then he begins to take over me, I am powerless because I already gave him all the power I got. You know at times of anger, we always feel justify to be angry. That’s how we gave him the power and authority to be there.

I think ok, now that I know him, maybe we can live in harmony. Yesterday, however, I saw something that I have never noticed before and I started laughing at myself. There is no monster at all in the first place! My mind is playing a trick on me. This anger that we perceived does not exist anywhere!

It is not a monster, nothing solid, nothing permanent. We think of something that we don’t like and we start to feel uncomfortable in our body, we start to breathe more heavily and this uncomfortable body feeling we call it ‘anger’. The monster we perceived is just in our mind.

Well, I think my monster will still visits me now and then but I think I will not identify with him anymore like in the past.